I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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