Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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