I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
