i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
