wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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