i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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