I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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