the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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