You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
