he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
