he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
