Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
