Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
