a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The adults are the big ones right?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
