You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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