i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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