i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
