I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Randomize
