I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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