I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
