does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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