If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
