so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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