ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
