dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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