my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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