I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
