No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
