I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
