Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
