I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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