And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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