I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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