I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
