It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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