she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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