Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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