see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
