my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
