we're chasing vodka with high fives
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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