You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You are a genius and a whore.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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