in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
