I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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