you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
