look no pants
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
