The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
