she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
