How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
