im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
