new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
