The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
