The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
