Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no, he came in my armpit
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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