I want to stick my p in your. b.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
