I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
