don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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