I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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